Futari wa Milky Holmes – Episode 1

“Toys: miracle blossoms flowering in the hearts of the chosen. Some bloom into flowers of purity, others into flowers of poison. It is the age of the great detectives. These two flowers wage war to see which is the most beautiful: the great detectives or the gentleman thieves.”

The new anime series, about your favorite uselesslesslesslesslessless detective Milky Holmes… is not about Milky Holmes at all? What the fu…

A girl runs up apologizing to Alice (Alisu) for making her wait. Alice is understanding, and even offers a her a fresh water, that she then presses to her cheek, which is not the correct way to drink water. The two girls have apparently been tasked with cleaning a detective academy. Alice says cleaning is fun, thus establishing her role as a big fat liar. Two girls run up on them from behind and babble uninteresting things at them, until they piss off. Kazumi (the girl not named Alice) apologizes for the boring interuption, as Alice tells her it’s not her fault her new friends suck. Alice is jealous, she wishes that she herself could attend the Holmes Academy like her friend Kazumi, but she’s not special. Kazumi tries to comfort her by telling her that her brother wouldn’t have allowed it anyway (Who the fuck is Alice’s older brother to be making these kinds of decision for her?) He worries about her alot, especially lately, especially her grades. They walk to a crepe shop, when suddenly…

UntitledAW, FUCK YEAH! MILKY HOLMES! TIME FOR THIS SHOW TO TURN THE FUCK UP!

Apparently the picture is there to tell potential costumers that the great Milky Holmes ate their crepes once, and you should too (I hope they’re paying them for this endorsement) Alice is apparently obsessed with Milky Holmes, and why wouldn’t she be? They’re Milky Holmes, for god’s sake. They’re also cute, cool and amazing detectives… hahahaha, she don’t know Milky Holmes like we know Milky Holmes, she also looks up to them. They eat some crepes, as Kazumi ponders if Milky Holmes are real, apparently she’s never once seen them for herself, therefore they must not exist. Alice shrugs off the non-believer by insisting they must be too busy for Kazumi’s nobodyness.

Kazumi brings up a point that the Phantom Thief empire has kind of knocked off, too. Kazumi insists she’d rather Milky Holmes stay legends, because in their absence, they themselves can become great detectives (HAHA!) Alice laughs at her friends insanity, while getting too close to the camera. Later Alice tells Kazumi that her insanity is entertaining, and assumes it likely comes from being the daughter of TWO detectives. Kazumi insists they neglected her, and Alice insists they didn’t, and Kazumi insists they did and then tells her life story about her and her absentee parents.

Anyway, thanks to Milky Holmes the phantom thief count has decreased, but they’re still some meandering around, kind of like Alice and Kazumi. Alice then posits that after they catch the remaining phantom thieves, they’ll be out of a job… anyway, next we see…

UntitledIT’S KOKORO-CHAN, AND SHE’S COME TO SAVE THE SHOW!

She’s training some girl we’ve never seen before, because despite the lack of phantom thieves, they have to keep training new recruits. The girl knows where her bread will be buttered, and compliments Kokoro-chan. Kokoro-chan rebuffs this brown-nosing as sarcasm, also, it turns out the rest of G4 have been sent on equally as boring jobs.

UntitledUntitledUntitledThey get a call over radio for a Phantom Thief sighting at a museum, finally something exciting! Kokoro is as excited as the rest of us, as the dispatch asks specifically for the Genius 4… even though Kokoro is the only one who gets sent into the field anymore…?  She tells Totsugawa to start the car as she can actually drive, but Tostsugawa is worried about “the Rules”, but Kokoro insists that this is an emergency, the rules do not apply, dammit and Tatsugawa peels off. Suddenly they hear over the radio reports of multiple Phantom thief attacks. Totsugawa is curious which one they should go to, and Kokoro who’s just waiting for something to happen, goddammit tells her to just pick the closest one.

Unfortunately, we meet back up with Alice and Kazumi being just as boring and uninteresting as ever, until they see a guy run past them, really fast. Could it be? A Phantom Thief? The two inexperienced girls decide, “fuck it”, and start after the possibly dangerous criminal. They lose him, and when pressed by Alice which way he might have went, Kazumi not wanting to look bad in front of her friend pulls something out of her ass about criminal psychology insisting that he went right. They look ahead to see he dropped… something. Kazumi runs off (to the left) somewhere, and Alice drops to her knees (Hey!) and leaves a note next to the dropped whatever, that t’was a phantom thief what left this… thing, then rushes after Kazumi as she barks at the phantom thief who has likely escaped by now, that he will not escape.

UntitledTurns out he hung way back, and Kazumi is directly behind him, he scoffs at a student trying to apprehend him, so she activates her toys – it creates a sort of bow, thing – and says the funniest line spoken this entire episode. She shoots, and… misses. She claims she won’t miss “this time”, and shoots another that the phantom thief rebounds back with his own toys, and Alice activates her toys and creates a shield to stop the hit. The phantom thief tells the girls that if they want to play detective then do it at the academy, which I’m sure sounded more badass in his head. He legs it again, until a rope wraps around him leg, and trips him. Who could be behind this?

UntitledYES!

It’s Sherlock, Hercule, Nero, and Cordelia, the real stars of this show, have come to save it from the lurid shambles that Alice and Kazumi are leaving it in. Suddenly Cordelia’s Toys activate as she hears something coming, it’s a bomb. They girls use their super-jumping ability to avoid being brutally murdered, and look back to see whodunnit. Before that, some guys runs his mouth about the detective/phantom thief relationship, he and his 6 friends have created a new phantom thief organization, one with goals that seem to fit in line with regular phatnom thieves, but something something. He introduces their gang as “Colors Phantom”. The girls stare in shock and as we wish to find out just what this organization is up to… we have to wait until next week as the episode is over.

Well, that was horrible. Kazumi and Alice aren’t very interesting characters, Kokoro’s just kind of there, and Milky Holmes, well, nothing’s happened there yet as they were introduced at the END of the episode. So far so bad, it seems to take place in a form of the Alternative universe, which itself had little interesting going on for it. I can only reason Milky Holme’s rather unpopular stance in the fandom has lead to this misfire of a show, and the Alterative OVAs. I honestly can’t understand the popularity of shows like Yuyushiki, while Milky Holmes was shunned at every turn.

Meh.

RATING: 1 out of 5.

This entry was posted in Futari wa Milky Holmes, Summer 2013. Bookmark the permalink.

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