“Toys: miracle blossoms flowering in the hearts of the chosen. Some bloom into flowers of purity, others into flowers of poison. It is the age of the great detectives. These two flowers wage war to see which is the most beautiful: the great detectives or the gentleman thieves.”
On this episode of the ironically titled “We Are Milky Holmes”, we see our two non-Milky Holmes protagonists, talking about how awesome Milky Holmes is. (Why can’t we see how awesome they are?) Anyway we get a rundown of the man known as the “Red Phantom”, he hasn’t been around for awhile, and now h’s back with cronies. Milky Holmes failed to capture them of course, and they escaped. That’s so Milky Holmes. After admitting that Milky Holmes have a lot on their plate having to catch 7 phantom thieves, they decide to pay them a visit, because surely while they’re very busy, they’re not to busy to be audience to two losers they’ve never met before.
Sneaking around the Holmes academy, which is weird because one of them attends the school, it’s not a prison, and it’s apparently open, the girls sneak around past Stoneriver, Rats and Twenty who’s nipples are not out, the girls discuss where Milky Holmes’ room actually is, and what it must look like. As there’s walking a familiar voice tells someone to go to hell. Why, it’s Nero and she’s apparently yelling at Hercule for some reason, as she’s the next voice we hear, Alice and Kuzumi suddenly get cold feet at the sound of people arguing (They don’t appear to know it;s Milky Holmes as they’ve never actually heard their voices before) and fear getting caught sneaking around the open school, that one of them attends. The girls attempt to eavesdrop on the argument and get what’s coming to them.
All four members of Milky Holmes jam out of the door at once, completely oblivious until Hercule points out the the bodies lying on the ground. They wake to ralize that they’re now in the company of the Milky Holmes, Cordelia tells them they were worried they may never wake up, while Milky Holmes fans wished they didn’t, and Hercule bizarrely tells them they shouldn’t sleep in the hallway, implying she thinks they did it on purpose, which is more of a Sherlock thing to say. The girls nervously state that they wished to meet them, and that they heard people arguing and decided to eavesdrop. Milky Holmes sit around and laugh like aristocratic bitches.
Sherlock clears her throat and finally asked what the hell the girls wanted from them, and they tell them they want to be like them. The Tea drinking Milky Holmes are shocked. Sherlock then remembers the old Nike adage and tells them to “Just do it”. The girls are surprised by Sherlock’s use of marketing strategy, and the rest of Milky Holmes pretty much parrot Sherlock’s sentiments exactly. They basically boil it down to wearing a detectives uniform, calling yourself a detective, and boom, you’re a detective… that actually explains soooo much.
This is all the girls need to hear, as Milky Holme then show them out of the door to “just do it”, and be detectives. They then shut the door… and collapse to the ground, complaining of keeping up their public image. The Girls however haven’t knocked off, and knock on the door, causing Milky Holmes to shoot straight back up, as the ungrateful bitches forgot to thank Milky Holmes, and waited until this moment to do so, Milky Holmes now physically struggling to uphold their image spit out appreciation very fast in attempt to be rid of them for good, and close the door right back in their faces and collapse again.
Welp, that was the end of the show, have a good night every…. oh, it’s still going.
In a more boring hallway, the girls giggle over being able to be more like Milky Holmes… except less funny or interesting. For amkinng it to the Holmes Academy, Alice’s grandmother sewed for her, and she taxed her poor grandmother to make one for Kazumi, too. She snuggles it like a little puppy in appreciation, when Alice’s brother who we’ve never seen before comes through the front door of their house, and thanks Kazumi for tking care of Alice. Kazumi shamefaced takes his appreciation, and he pets his sister on the head like a puppy as well before heading off to do god knows what. Kazumi comments that Shion (that’s his name) is kind, and… Alice replies with a shocked and rather bizarre “You think so?”
Later somewhere else, “Violet Shadow” is being read the riot act about taking vengeance upon Milky Holmes, and some girl calls him “Onii-sama”, which would mean something to me if I spoke Japanese. But this is apparently the only way they can exact revenge on the detectives. On the street somewhere Kazumi has bought something, while making Alice wait on the street at night all by herself. It’s not a surprise for Alice, and doesn’t seem that important at all, so who knows why Alice decided to stay outside instead of going in with Kazumi. Either way, Alice still hasn’t thought of a detective name for themselves, and Kazumi doesn’t appear to want to help. Just then they spot a suspicious man walking down a dark-alleyway, which is pretty much the norm for dark alley-ways. Alice however thinks she saw the fellow before…just how many dark alley-ways does she go into?
It turns out it was the guy from last week’s episode. And he’s delivered a box of “Warning Letters”, to Milky Holmes who for their part are all sleep strewn across their furniture, with Sherlock sleeping on the floor, clearly having not touched the “Warning Letter”. Why he randomly decides to exposit this in some random dark alley-way aloud to himself is beyond me, but hey, whatever makes him feel good about himself.
OK, so he clearly wants Milky Holmes to meet him in this exact spot for whatever reason, he’s apparently going to have to wait awhile… or will he? Yes he will, As the girls inform him that Milky Holmes will not be here, which is correct because their asleep, and have no clue they’re supposed to be somewhere. He shrugs off their attempt to scare him, and he decides he’ll just fuck them up in the mean time. He uses his Toys which apparently are Toys of Copyright Infringement, as he makes Wolverine’s claws and prepares to snikt them. Kazumi assures him that they’ve come a long way since yesterday (they really haven’t) and that Milky Holmes told them how to be great detectives (they really haven’t).
Copyright Infringing Man has heard enough and runs towards them, Kazumi activates her Arrow Toys and takes aim. Wolverine knocks it out of the air with relative ease, though and keeps charging, and lands an attack on the inexperienced detectives. He tells the little girls that their Toys aren’t worth shit – which I think is a contruct of the fansub – and decides to use them as bait for Milky Holmes, who he doesn’t realize really aren’t coming.
Kazumi has other plans, as she staggers back up and promises to take him down by herself, which didn’t quite wirk last time, but I admire her spirit. Unfortunately for Kazumi he snikts the next arrow out of the air, just the same as the last one, and the next one, clinging on to the words of Milky Holmes to “Just Do It”. As Kazumi presses her next attack, Alice puts up a shield to protect her in-over-her-head friend, and…
It amplifies her arrow tenfold, and knocking Wannabe-Wolverine hard into a brick wall, and onto a mattress placed on the ground, spitting up the Down from inside of it, because this is 1945 and we still use Down mattresses. The Girls run up in time to have him call them “bitches, as Alice takes note of the falling feathers, and tells him that they’re the “Feathers” (real original name there) and they’ll protect the area as great detectives, just in time for the Phantom Thief to faint or die or something.
Alice is understandably confused as to how Kazumi’s weak little arrows did this, and Kazumi replies that she doesn’t have a fucking clue. Just then Feathers hear police sirens and cheese it. Kokoro-chan (still without the rest of G4, come on the Phantom Thieves have come back, is there any reason the rest of G4 who are adept at dealing with Phantom thieves are still stuck at their desk jobs now?) checks over the thief’s body or corpse and remembers him from the other day, he is or was a member of the “Colored-something or other”. Whatever the girl wh’s accompanying Kokoro’s name is now corrects her, and Kokoro corrects her that that’s not important.
She tries to make up for this mistake by pointing out a card sitting behind his sunglasses, that if he were still alive could fall into his eye, and ruin him for life, therefore he must be dead, because that would be horrifyingly inconsiderate. The card reads “The feathers were here”, which likely doesn’t mean shit to Kokoro because she doesn’t know who or what the fuck that is.
And the episode ends. leaving us with one thought… how the fuck did they make that card that fast?
RATING: 1 OUT OF 5