Chaika – Coffin Princess Episode 1

A spooky voice opens by expositing about the Taboo emperor, and Chaika’s obligation to set in motion fate or some such.

UntitledMeanwhile in a forest a blue-haired young man walks about slicing up trees complaining about his inability to fidn money just lying around on the floor of the forest, until he hears some rustling in a bush behind him, he braces for a rabbit to hopefully make stew out of until…

Untitled

That’s not a rabbit. That’s not a rabbit at all.

The non-rabbit girl – who is in fact Chaika – spins around to notice the young man standing just beside of her, and she ducks back down for cover, and begins scurrying off, hitting rocks until finally escaping… to right in front of the boy.

Chaika speaks in broken Engli… uh… Japanese, and assumes he’s here to attack her. He clears thing up that he’s just here to hunt for edible plants and food, because he’s poor and jobless. She repeats back these words to him, which kind of upsets him, even though he told her this already first.

He asks what she’s doing out here, and instead of explaining she simply tells him that he did not see her, he did not see a thing, tell no one.

He doesn’t quite get the message and starts asking her questions, like “is that a coffin? “What’s in the coffin?” “Are you a murderer?” The accusations of being called a murderer don’t quite sit well with her as she explains that she’s just a traveler, a simple, stupid weak traveler who doesn’t even know the language. She’s on her way to “Delsorant town”, but she’s hopelessly lost, and has been wandering around the mountain for 3 days.

According to Mr. Nosey it doesn’t take 3 days to get through the mountains if you travel normally, and Chaika is shocked to learn that she’s hopelessly lost. He asks if she has any money, and she takes this as him trying to rob her, she begins screaming at her, until he sets her straight that, no he’ll take her to town if she buys him breakfast. She ponders this for some time until a creepy voice starts up in the background.

UntitledWhy, it’s only history’s most frightening unicorn, as it chants it’s incantations, it begins rushing them, as they run off, Chaika trips, and the boy tries to convince her to ditch the coffin, but she refuses, because it’s valuable goddamn it, so he instead insists that she hold onto it for dear life, which is what she’s been doing, and then they run off a cliff. They float down a little until landing on a tiny chunk of land. She notices the bloody mess on his arm and offers to help, but he’s pretty much resigned to their fate. The Unicorn will find them in only a matter of time, so he officially declares it hopeless. This depresses Chaika, as the boy explains that he feels completely incompetent, and would thus have no problems if it all ended right here.

UntitledChaika then finally opens her coffin to reveal her GIANT FUCKING GUN! Thus revealing that she’s a wizard, and possibly hated by the editing staff of ANN because OH MY GOD, GUNS! She insists that like she is also incompetent, but her gun… or GUNDO can do many things… like kill a horrible manifestation of fiction’s most frightening unicorn. Yes, but she needs time, because during the incantation she cant move, or all’s ruined. He decides to buy her the time, and begins chanting an incantation of his own. “I am steel. Steel knows no fear. Steel knows no doubt. When faced with my enemy, I hesitate not. I am a weapon to destroy these. IRON BLOOD TRANSFORMATION!”

He turns red then begins thrashing about on the unicorn’s back as Chaika sets up the gundo. The boy and the unicorn fall into the river and continue thrashing about as Chaika sets up the shot, but they pop out in a different one, so as she re-adjusts the Unicorn waltzes higher and higher into the air, and the boy begins stabbing it in it;s neck. the Unicorn finally bucks him off, dropping him into the river and tres to recover, but Chaika has finished her incantation, shoots her magic… uhh.. whatever? and…

UntitledThe most gruesome (and possibly only) death a Unicorn has ever faced in fiction.

Having killed the dreams of millions of little girls worldwide, Chaika excitedly runs up to the both to haphazardly shout that they’re both alive, and survived thanks to him, and asks him again to show her the way, we also finally get his name. It’s Toru. Toru Acura. She then introduces herself as Chaika Ga- then corrects herself (by saying “correction”) and introduces herself as Chaika Trabant. Which seems suspicious, but whatever.

Later a bald man talks to the dead unicorn (well, at least one half of it) and says that he should have used it better, and calls it “Fayla”, which is a little late to be  naming the thing since it’s dead, but, whatever. The man is quite clearly hunting Chaika Ga-, Chaika Trabant, and is shocked to learn that she’s gained an allie.

Meanwhile, Chaika and Toru are at a restaurant and in typical anime hero style, Toru is a goddamn pig, shoveling food into his craw like a barbarian, without giving a damn who sees. Chaika is terrified with good reason. Toru explains that exercise make him hungry (and a manner-less caveman) and explains that he has to eat when he can, he confirms one more time that Chaika does in act have the coin to cover this, and she agrees, and he start back at it, until a voice asks him where the edible plants are he was supposed to be getting at the beginning of the episode are.

UntitledToru almost chokes, which may or may not have to do with dumping food down his throat like a dispose-all as opposed to who’s talking to him. And who is talking to him? Why it’s another girl, mad that he’s eating lunch with this girl, instead of bringing back the goddamn bacon. They start wrecking up the place as she tries to apparently murder him, as she’s sick of him sitting around their house ans not lifting a finger to work, as she earns all the money. As she continues her attempted murder the generically drawn background NPCs talk about what a shithead Toru is, and not, you know about this girl fucking up the restaurant.

Toru attempts to tell Akari (that’s her name) that it’s “not like that”, while she swing with her weapon again and bursts a wine crate, forcing him to finally drop his food (that he managed to hold throughout the assault), she then reveals that they are in fact brother and sister, and not lovers (though, this is anime, so who knows?)

Later, the woman who apparently owns the place reads Toru the riot act rightfully for forgetting his sister was also hungry and waiting for breakfast, she veers off course  and then wrongfully barks at him for wrecking up the place, even though, it was his sister, and not him who did it, she comes back around and rightfully shouts him down for leaving the costs of breakfast and the repairs to a girl he just met. She then calls him a “loser” as he makes hand-wank motions with his eyes.

He fills his sister in that Fayla attacked him, and he and her defeated it, and the breakfast was bought as compensation, he insists that she can believe him, and shows him the wound, and tells her that Chaika is a wizard with a Gundo. Chaika then speaks up and gives them a “work request”, she wants to hire the siblings. Toru sees… less than enthused. He hasn’t worked in years, so he;s not exactly ready to hop back on the horse, however Akari convinces him with the threat of violence, so he reluctantly agrees.

UntitledMeanwhile at a huge palace, the MOBILE OPPRESSION PALACE begins lumbering into the gates. Inside the regular palace two men introduce themselves, Robert Abarth is apparently the king, since he even has a picture of himself in the background, and Albéric Gillette, was apparently who rode in on the Mobile Oppression Palace, with his harem. Albéric cuts the small talk and says that while he heard Robert was instrumental in taking down the Gaz empire, he wants the article he recovered from the battle. Abarth refuses and tells his french maid to get the door for him, which I guess it the polite way of saying “get the fuck out”.Albéric then waxes that while he knows how he feels this concerns the peace of the ENTIRE continent, and not just his kingdom, Abarth then watches him leave from his window, and closes the curtain like a gilted lover.

Meanwhile, in some shit shack in the woods, Chaika tells the duo the duo the job, in the worst approximation of their language as she can. She wants to charge and seizure Count Abarth’s manor (hey, where have we heard that name before?) But zeize what? Why, the “important thing” of course, she’s know it when she sees it she insists. And she needs it at ANY cost.

UntitledMeanwhile in the Mobile Oppression Palace, Albéric discusses Abarth’s dig, and notes things like “too few guards”, and the entire atmosphere just being weird and unbecoming of a Lord. They also figure that Chaika must realize that Abarth is one of the Eight Heroes who conquered the Gaz empire back in the day. The Cat… boy… thing and the girls set off to “keep an eye out”.

UntitledLater on, Akari is seen running about the roof-tops of the city and meets up with Toru, they wonder what they’re supposed to be stealing, but Chaika refuses to tell them, so they just decide to concentrate on the job. After stalking out the place, they return to their shit shack and talk over plans, Akari wonders if they can trust Chaika, not as an employer, but as a wizard as Chaika hangs dough over a line and uses her gundo in a misguided attempt to flash cook bread, that ends in an explosions and very dodgy imagery as the dough is splayed all over the place.

UntitledLater, back at the palace, even Toru thinks it’s odd there are so few guards, and he’s the one breaking into the place, so that should actually be a good thing from his perspective, right? As they begin Toru Adam Wests up the wall and takes down the one inept guard, and the girls make him lift Chaika’s coffin up the wall, while Akari starts the “I am steel” incantation, and repels Chaika up on her back. When on top of the tower, Toru throws another grappling hook at the actual palace, then asks Chaika to  open her coffin, and then zipline the coffin across the space, with Chaika nowhere in site (I wonder where she’s at?) Toru unlatches the window from the outside with a kunai, but this wakes up Abarth. Toru and Akari struggle to drag Chaika’s coffin into the room silently, and once they get it in, they open it to reveal that inside it’s Chaika, who’s moaning about the very rough handling of the coffin, it’s as if they worked for UPS or something.

Once inside they try to ask again what they;re stealing, and again Chaika refuses to tell them, but insists they’ll find out soon. She uses her Gundo to locate the “important thing”, and finds out that it’s in the center of the mansion. The gangs splits up with Toru taking the first floor, he sneaks around until he reaches an unlocked room, and walks in. He looks around the room, until… Abarth walks into the room. He, however, incorrectly believes Toru to belong to the same company of people he shooed off earlier, Toru obviously has no clue what the fuck he’s talking about, and then Abarth begins attacking him, by making the swords on the wall magically fly at him, he artfully dodges though, and is surprised to learn that Abarth is also a wizard. Abart then insults Albéric, who he thinks is his boss still.

Akari shows up and tries to chuck her kunai at him, but he stops them in place, as Toru warns her off that he’s a wizard. Chaika seem surprised to learn this, too. He smugly observes the two, and, almost has a heart attack upon seeing Chaika. It can’t be, he says, she supposed to be dead, he says. As Chaika kind of just stands in the room with the world’s most oblivious expression on her face.

RATING: 4 OUT OF 5

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