When Supernatural Battles Became Commonplace ep. 4 ~ Remember When This Show Was About Kids Getting Superpowers?

Today’s Supernatural Battle that has become commonplace, is Chifuya wants to quit school.

If the show had just presented itself from the beginning as yet another Slice-of-Life show, instead of pretending to be about the potentiality of them using those powers to fight supernatural battles, I probably wouldn’t be so hard on it. But so far, it’s just thrown characters at me, and wants me to care about them, like they’ve done some big thing.

Also, this show has a strange problem of referencing other shows, almost as if the people behind it would rather be working on those other shows. I never watched Kill la Kill, so I don’t know any of the references. This week’s reference, I guess comes in the form of Kuki Madoka, who’s last name is Madoka, like that other anime that people liked so much. References to other shows don’t make your show more interesting, guys.

Nothing important happens this week but Screamy jokes from the MC, and fake sentimentality from a character we just met, also apparently Chifuya can make portals to go from one place to another. This would be important if the show gave a shit about that aspect. The only thing of note is that, girl we’ve never seen before is SUPER SAD that she never hangs out with Chifuya, and Chifuya prefers to hang out with these weirdo high school kids for no apparent reason. They also bring up Kudou again, who I’ve notice has been absent since episode 2.

I’d say there was a stunning lack of “Telling” in this episode, while we didn’t see the initial argument between Chifuya and her friend we did get to see the blow-off. Though we don’t know why she doesn’t want Chifuya hanging out with them, though Andou gives her a reason to resent him in a painful scene where he announces he’s a “lolicon”, and creeps on her because jokes.

There was also a scene in the middle where they use Chifuya’s powers to cosplay, that goes nowhere.

Either way, I couldn’t particularly care less about characters who seem to have no real purpose but throw faux drama at us, and I think this is where me and this show part.

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When Supernatural Battles Became Commonplace eps. 1-3 short review

This won’t be the same as my previous posts, it’s an expedited post to help get something back on this blog, so bear with it if you loved the full length ones, now onto the review:

Episode 1:
I would have liked if the first episode actually showed these characters getting used to their powers, instead of timeskipping several months in advance, and having MC explain their powers. For a show about characters gaining Superpowers, the show doesn’t seem that interested in actually showing us their superpowers.

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Episode 2:
I didn’t really dig the second episode, they tried to hard for my taste to make what’s-her-face suddenly likeable, after making her a prick the first episode.

It’s only the second episode, I don’t know enough about this character to care if she’s crying about a break-up from the world’s most disingenuous relationship, pink hue doesn’t suddenly make me care about her.

Also, their powers were barely even mentioned this episode. The crux of your show is that these kids get supernatural powers, where are those powers?

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Episode 3:
So, I’m starting to wonder why the show even went with the Superpower hook in the first place. This is three episodes and they haven’t really moved the needle on that, except to keep telling us that Andou is so with it when it comes to their powers, and how awesome he is by getting people to stop calling the one girl names, and he told them this and that, and he told purple-haired chick to never revive the dead, and he told the elementary school loli to never bring inanimate objects to life. I feel the show could be better if they learn the simple rule of “show, don’t tell”.

Maybe they’re building to something with the new character, but again, it would mean a lot more if we actually got to see the characters use their powers in some meaningful fashion, other than to cheat at Tennis.

Also, it feels like half the episode was filled with boring nonsense about kanji meaning, and feel like the other half of the script was written by a random word generator.

 

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For a show called “When Supernatural Battles Became Commonplace”, they sure aren’t interested making it commonplace. Maybe they blew through the animation budget in episode 1 to make us think that this show is super awesome, and that we should totally watch it, before they comfortably melted back into being a run of the mill Slice of Life show.

Meh.

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Chaika – Coffin Princess Episode 1

A spooky voice opens by expositing about the Taboo emperor, and Chaika’s obligation to set in motion fate or some such.

UntitledMeanwhile in a forest a blue-haired young man walks about slicing up trees complaining about his inability to fidn money just lying around on the floor of the forest, until he hears some rustling in a bush behind him, he braces for a rabbit to hopefully make stew out of until…

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That’s not a rabbit. That’s not a rabbit at all.

The non-rabbit girl – who is in fact Chaika – spins around to notice the young man standing just beside of her, and she ducks back down for cover, and begins scurrying off, hitting rocks until finally escaping… to right in front of the boy.

Chaika speaks in broken Engli… uh… Japanese, and assumes he’s here to attack her. He clears thing up that he’s just here to hunt for edible plants and food, because he’s poor and jobless. She repeats back these words to him, which kind of upsets him, even though he told her this already first.

He asks what she’s doing out here, and instead of explaining she simply tells him that he did not see her, he did not see a thing, tell no one.

He doesn’t quite get the message and starts asking her questions, like “is that a coffin? “What’s in the coffin?” “Are you a murderer?” The accusations of being called a murderer don’t quite sit well with her as she explains that she’s just a traveler, a simple, stupid weak traveler who doesn’t even know the language. She’s on her way to “Delsorant town”, but she’s hopelessly lost, and has been wandering around the mountain for 3 days.

According to Mr. Nosey it doesn’t take 3 days to get through the mountains if you travel normally, and Chaika is shocked to learn that she’s hopelessly lost. He asks if she has any money, and she takes this as him trying to rob her, she begins screaming at her, until he sets her straight that, no he’ll take her to town if she buys him breakfast. She ponders this for some time until a creepy voice starts up in the background.

UntitledWhy, it’s only history’s most frightening unicorn, as it chants it’s incantations, it begins rushing them, as they run off, Chaika trips, and the boy tries to convince her to ditch the coffin, but she refuses, because it’s valuable goddamn it, so he instead insists that she hold onto it for dear life, which is what she’s been doing, and then they run off a cliff. They float down a little until landing on a tiny chunk of land. She notices the bloody mess on his arm and offers to help, but he’s pretty much resigned to their fate. The Unicorn will find them in only a matter of time, so he officially declares it hopeless. This depresses Chaika, as the boy explains that he feels completely incompetent, and would thus have no problems if it all ended right here.

UntitledChaika then finally opens her coffin to reveal her GIANT FUCKING GUN! Thus revealing that she’s a wizard, and possibly hated by the editing staff of ANN because OH MY GOD, GUNS! She insists that like she is also incompetent, but her gun… or GUNDO can do many things… like kill a horrible manifestation of fiction’s most frightening unicorn. Yes, but she needs time, because during the incantation she cant move, or all’s ruined. He decides to buy her the time, and begins chanting an incantation of his own. “I am steel. Steel knows no fear. Steel knows no doubt. When faced with my enemy, I hesitate not. I am a weapon to destroy these. IRON BLOOD TRANSFORMATION!”

He turns red then begins thrashing about on the unicorn’s back as Chaika sets up the gundo. The boy and the unicorn fall into the river and continue thrashing about as Chaika sets up the shot, but they pop out in a different one, so as she re-adjusts the Unicorn waltzes higher and higher into the air, and the boy begins stabbing it in it;s neck. the Unicorn finally bucks him off, dropping him into the river and tres to recover, but Chaika has finished her incantation, shoots her magic… uhh.. whatever? and…

UntitledThe most gruesome (and possibly only) death a Unicorn has ever faced in fiction.

Having killed the dreams of millions of little girls worldwide, Chaika excitedly runs up to the both to haphazardly shout that they’re both alive, and survived thanks to him, and asks him again to show her the way, we also finally get his name. It’s Toru. Toru Acura. She then introduces herself as Chaika Ga- then corrects herself (by saying “correction”) and introduces herself as Chaika Trabant. Which seems suspicious, but whatever.

Later a bald man talks to the dead unicorn (well, at least one half of it) and says that he should have used it better, and calls it “Fayla”, which is a little late to be  naming the thing since it’s dead, but, whatever. The man is quite clearly hunting Chaika Ga-, Chaika Trabant, and is shocked to learn that she’s gained an allie.

Meanwhile, Chaika and Toru are at a restaurant and in typical anime hero style, Toru is a goddamn pig, shoveling food into his craw like a barbarian, without giving a damn who sees. Chaika is terrified with good reason. Toru explains that exercise make him hungry (and a manner-less caveman) and explains that he has to eat when he can, he confirms one more time that Chaika does in act have the coin to cover this, and she agrees, and he start back at it, until a voice asks him where the edible plants are he was supposed to be getting at the beginning of the episode are.

UntitledToru almost chokes, which may or may not have to do with dumping food down his throat like a dispose-all as opposed to who’s talking to him. And who is talking to him? Why it’s another girl, mad that he’s eating lunch with this girl, instead of bringing back the goddamn bacon. They start wrecking up the place as she tries to apparently murder him, as she’s sick of him sitting around their house ans not lifting a finger to work, as she earns all the money. As she continues her attempted murder the generically drawn background NPCs talk about what a shithead Toru is, and not, you know about this girl fucking up the restaurant.

Toru attempts to tell Akari (that’s her name) that it’s “not like that”, while she swing with her weapon again and bursts a wine crate, forcing him to finally drop his food (that he managed to hold throughout the assault), she then reveals that they are in fact brother and sister, and not lovers (though, this is anime, so who knows?)

Later, the woman who apparently owns the place reads Toru the riot act rightfully for forgetting his sister was also hungry and waiting for breakfast, she veers off course  and then wrongfully barks at him for wrecking up the place, even though, it was his sister, and not him who did it, she comes back around and rightfully shouts him down for leaving the costs of breakfast and the repairs to a girl he just met. She then calls him a “loser” as he makes hand-wank motions with his eyes.

He fills his sister in that Fayla attacked him, and he and her defeated it, and the breakfast was bought as compensation, he insists that she can believe him, and shows him the wound, and tells her that Chaika is a wizard with a Gundo. Chaika then speaks up and gives them a “work request”, she wants to hire the siblings. Toru sees… less than enthused. He hasn’t worked in years, so he;s not exactly ready to hop back on the horse, however Akari convinces him with the threat of violence, so he reluctantly agrees.

UntitledMeanwhile at a huge palace, the MOBILE OPPRESSION PALACE begins lumbering into the gates. Inside the regular palace two men introduce themselves, Robert Abarth is apparently the king, since he even has a picture of himself in the background, and Albéric Gillette, was apparently who rode in on the Mobile Oppression Palace, with his harem. Albéric cuts the small talk and says that while he heard Robert was instrumental in taking down the Gaz empire, he wants the article he recovered from the battle. Abarth refuses and tells his french maid to get the door for him, which I guess it the polite way of saying “get the fuck out”.Albéric then waxes that while he knows how he feels this concerns the peace of the ENTIRE continent, and not just his kingdom, Abarth then watches him leave from his window, and closes the curtain like a gilted lover.

Meanwhile, in some shit shack in the woods, Chaika tells the duo the duo the job, in the worst approximation of their language as she can. She wants to charge and seizure Count Abarth’s manor (hey, where have we heard that name before?) But zeize what? Why, the “important thing” of course, she’s know it when she sees it she insists. And she needs it at ANY cost.

UntitledMeanwhile in the Mobile Oppression Palace, Albéric discusses Abarth’s dig, and notes things like “too few guards”, and the entire atmosphere just being weird and unbecoming of a Lord. They also figure that Chaika must realize that Abarth is one of the Eight Heroes who conquered the Gaz empire back in the day. The Cat… boy… thing and the girls set off to “keep an eye out”.

UntitledLater on, Akari is seen running about the roof-tops of the city and meets up with Toru, they wonder what they’re supposed to be stealing, but Chaika refuses to tell them, so they just decide to concentrate on the job. After stalking out the place, they return to their shit shack and talk over plans, Akari wonders if they can trust Chaika, not as an employer, but as a wizard as Chaika hangs dough over a line and uses her gundo in a misguided attempt to flash cook bread, that ends in an explosions and very dodgy imagery as the dough is splayed all over the place.

UntitledLater, back at the palace, even Toru thinks it’s odd there are so few guards, and he’s the one breaking into the place, so that should actually be a good thing from his perspective, right? As they begin Toru Adam Wests up the wall and takes down the one inept guard, and the girls make him lift Chaika’s coffin up the wall, while Akari starts the “I am steel” incantation, and repels Chaika up on her back. When on top of the tower, Toru throws another grappling hook at the actual palace, then asks Chaika to  open her coffin, and then zipline the coffin across the space, with Chaika nowhere in site (I wonder where she’s at?) Toru unlatches the window from the outside with a kunai, but this wakes up Abarth. Toru and Akari struggle to drag Chaika’s coffin into the room silently, and once they get it in, they open it to reveal that inside it’s Chaika, who’s moaning about the very rough handling of the coffin, it’s as if they worked for UPS or something.

Once inside they try to ask again what they;re stealing, and again Chaika refuses to tell them, but insists they’ll find out soon. She uses her Gundo to locate the “important thing”, and finds out that it’s in the center of the mansion. The gangs splits up with Toru taking the first floor, he sneaks around until he reaches an unlocked room, and walks in. He looks around the room, until… Abarth walks into the room. He, however, incorrectly believes Toru to belong to the same company of people he shooed off earlier, Toru obviously has no clue what the fuck he’s talking about, and then Abarth begins attacking him, by making the swords on the wall magically fly at him, he artfully dodges though, and is surprised to learn that Abarth is also a wizard. Abart then insults Albéric, who he thinks is his boss still.

Akari shows up and tries to chuck her kunai at him, but he stops them in place, as Toru warns her off that he’s a wizard. Chaika seem surprised to learn this, too. He smugly observes the two, and, almost has a heart attack upon seeing Chaika. It can’t be, he says, she supposed to be dead, he says. As Chaika kind of just stands in the room with the world’s most oblivious expression on her face.

RATING: 4 OUT OF 5

Posted in Chaika - Coffin Princess, Spring 2014 | Leave a comment

Pokémon: Origins – File 3: Giovanni

Red is continuing his journey to become a Pokémon master, and is racking up a bunch of adventures we don’t get to see. like beating Erika, and fighting some “suspicious looking guy”, who leads him to “the boss of Team Rocket”.

UntitledOther mundane stuff happened, that we also don’t get to see, including Charmeleon evolving into Charizard. But who wants to see that shit?

Anyway, Red is in Saffron City, and wonders to the Silph Co. A company that makes tools regularly used by trainers, Blue tells Red that “Gramps” talks about them all the time. Red still narrating explains that they saved  a woman being harrased near the local Pokémon Center by Team Rocket. What Team Rocket were doing to her, or how Red and Blue saved her, who knows, because we’re only shown Red pulling her through a crowd with Rockets following behind. Red’s narration explains that this woman was a secretary to Silph Co.’s President. Blue repeats this information in case any of the viewers are as slow as Red.

The Secretary (or, by Gen I standards, SECRETARY) explains that the Rockets were after her because they took over Silph Co. for the Master Ball, because apparently she carries it in her purse or something. The Master ball, she explains can catch any Pokémon it wants, but it’s only a proto-type thus far. But Team Rocket are pressuring the President and it’s Scientists to work faster to finish it, because rushing people to finish big scientific developments surely doesn’t result in rushed and less than shoddy work.

The Scientists have been locked in and forced to work day-and-night to work on the Master Ball, and the police haven’t been informed because as we all know scientists don’t have families that would notice their sudden and unexplained absence. And even worse than Team Rocket keeping grown Men and Women as hostages, they’re experimenting on Pokémon. Those bastards.

UntitledRed angrily states that if Team Rocket keep going and are the only ones with the Master Ball, Blue finishes by saying that Team Rocket will be able to catch a lot of Pokémon. The secretary, who the camera is focusing hard on a shot of her ripped pantyhose for some reason, explains that The President has tried to contact the outside world for help, but he’s being watched too closely, so it was up to her to escape and get the word out to the police. She stands up and begins limping off and thanks them for saving her.

Later, the trio peak out from a building adjacent to Silph Co. were Rockets are standing around, arousing no suspicion at all in their uniforms from the criminal organization they are a apart of. Red tells Blue to take the Secretary to the Celadon Police department, because despite Saffron being a big city it clearly has no police force to speak of. Blue unlike Red doesn’t jut do what people tells him, and leaves Red and the woman alone to deal with Team Rocket.

UntitledRed doesn’t like that plan, and shows his displeasure by getting all up in Blue’s grill. He asked if he felt anything at all about the Pokémon he heard Team Rocket caught… and you know, the hostages, too. Blue relents and agrees to take her as far as the Celadon Police Station, which is still  a whole fucking town away, and Red is pleased. The Secretary then asks what Red intends to do when they’re away, and he plans to storm the Silph Co. because he’s a dummy. Red explains that he those Pokémon need his help, because the people are just fine with their current arrangement. When asked why he doesn’t wait for the police he says because then the Pokémon would continue to suffer, while the hostages live it up, being forced to against their will do experiments day-in-and-out.

Somehow Red sneaks in and releases a bunch of Pokémon, and then the scientists, while he screams at them “Get going! Hurry up!” like they’re fucking animals or something. Apparently the Rockets in charge of watching them all went to the shitter at the same time. To thank him, one of the scientists gives him Lapras. He claims it’s a very clever Pokémon, and can be used to swim across the seas.

UntitledRed like an idiot busts in the door, where they are keeping Silph’s president. Red is surprised to see Giovanni, as Giovanni remembers him from their hideout in another scene we didn’t see. Giovanni tells Red that he and the President are discussing business and he would like for him to fuck off, but Red speaks up and tells Giovanni that the police are “on their way”. Giovanni then says that all of Team Rocket’s mighty plans have been felled by a kid, and tells the grunt that it’s time to leave, but Red gets in his way and claims that he’ll stop him. Giovanni then gets the grunt to open his breifcase, and taes out a Pokéball. Red throws his Pokéball and out come Charizard, and on Giovanni’s side, a very manly sounding Nidoqueen. The two Pokémon take up uite a bit of space in the small office room, and this is probably not the best place for them to fight. Giovanni calls for a Double Kick, and the masculine female-only Pokémon rushes at Charizard and kicks him in the face, while swinging his/her tail, and smacks him with it, knocking him through the wall. Giovanni mocks Red saying he thought he’d put up more of a fight, as he snaps his fingers, and Nidoqueen rushes Charizard again. In a panic Red calls for Flamsthrowere, while Giovanni calls for Surf, which for whatever reason forms a ball of water in Nidoqueen’s paw.

The two attacks connect, and create an explosion that destroys the top of the Silph Co. building. After the dust settles, Giovanni mocks an unconscious Red, before recalling his Nidoqueen. Red comes too, and asks why Giovanni is using Pokémon this way, and Giovanni explains that to him Pokémon are just a business. Red insists that they’re not tools for business but our fwends! Giovanni mocks him, and says if they’re his friends, why does he allow them to suffer through battles, as he looks to his still KO’d Charizard. Giovanni’s helicopter getting way to close to the exposed Silph Co. building than is legitamately possible alows him to escape with a maniacal laugh. Red begins narrating that Team Rocket escaped before the police could arrive. Hmm, weird, apparently storming the building they were holed up in, and informing them the police were coming wasn’t the best of ideas, was it?

UntitledRed gets over letting the bad guys escape pretty quickly, and challenges and beats the Saffron City Gym Leader, Sabrina, and takes on the Fighting Dojo, and takes one of their Pokémon. Afterwhich, he rides Lapras – who by the way doesn’t look to pleased to have been just handed off to some random dumb kid – to Cinnabar Island where he “visited” the Pokémon Mansion, which used to house a whole bunch of Pokémon, but has now been abandoned. Though while inside he read some books about “new” Pokémon being discovered in the jungle. He then beat the Cinnabar Gym Leader Blaine and his giant doggy. Afterwards, he eavesdrops on a couple talking about the Veridian City gym leader being really strong, but he’s been away for awhile, so long in fact, that they had to close down the Gym. But now he’s heard from “some of the guys” that he’s back. Well, Red is just ver the moon. The strongest Gym leader? He just has to meet him, so he can tell him what it takes to be a great trainer.

Red gets to Veridian city, and who should he run into but Blue. According to Blue Red’s as slow as ever, and it shows. He correctly guesses that he must be here because he heard the Gym Leader is back. Red wonders if he’s saw him already and he opens his vest to show that he has the gym’s badge. Unlike Gary, Blue only has 8 badges, not 10, so he sucks, too. Red is impressed, though. Blue insists he was no match for his genius, and says that surely it’ll be too much trouble for him, then he leaves and tells him he’ll smell him later.

Red is at the gym, and is told that the Gym Leader is away, so Red is allowed to just hang around the office, because whatever. Apparently Red took not being kicked out of the gym as an invitation to just wander about and go in any room he wants, as he goes into the gym room, and remarks that it’s much different than the other gyms he’s visited. As suddenly the leader is welcomed back and to Red’s shock… it’s Giovanni!

Red proving Blue correct that he is in fact as slow as ever asks why he’s here, so Giovanni has to clue the poor idiot in that he is in fact the Viridian City Gym Leader. Giovanni admits though that th Gym is mostly just a front to hide Team Rocket’s real work. Giovanni surmise that he must be here to take on the gym for a badge, then, and Red says that e’s not a gym leader. Which is of course incorect as he is a gym leader. You see the other gym leaders, while all doing things totally different from each other (kind of like giovanni leading a criminal organization, instead of Gym Leading) but all of them loved their Pokémon. So, red refuses to believe that Giovanni is the strongest Gym Leader. Unfortunately, not believing it, doesn’t make it so, as Red goes overdramatic and proclaims that he’s challenging the enemy of all Pokémon.

Giovanni mentions his previous fight against Blue, and that he was far greater than most of the trainers he’s faced, but decides that he will not face Red “as a Gym Leader and as his Pokéballs are replaced by Ultra balls, he wonders why facing him makes him lose his cool.

UntitledGiovanni sends out his first of two specially chosen Pokémon that will force Red to his knees, and it’s a Rhyhorn, so Red decides to go with a Victrebell that he just so happens to have. Red orders a Razor Leaf and as Victrebell lunges toward Rhyhorn, Giovanni orders Horn Attack and… knocks it out in one hit. Red recalls the wounded Victrebell and sends in Kabutops, Giovanni is surprised to see that Red knew he uses Ground-types, which is a weird sentiment for him to have, as he just referenced that Red clearly knew he used Ground-types.

Red telsl Kabutops to use Slash, and Giovanni tells Rhyhorn to use Take Down, and Rhyhorn gets the better of Kabutops.Red orders hydro Pump as Rhyhorn uses Thunderbolt, and takes Kabutops out. Red recalls Kabutops, and sends in a Snorlax. Snorlax uses Hyper Beam and is taken out by Rhyhorn in one hit by Horn Drill.

UntitledRed is down 0-3, as he seems to be completely outmatched in every way, and seems to have no real strategy to speak of as he’s just throwing Pokémon into the fire, so after recalling Snorlax he sends in his horrifyingly ugly Jolteon… against the Ground-type Rhyhorn. Giovanni mocks Red’s terrible attempts at battling for putting in an Electric-type against a Ground-type. He tells Red he’s disappointed in him, then immediately wonders why he said such a thing. Red orders his Pokémonstrocity to use Double Kick, but Rhyhorn takes it out in one hit… with Thunderbolt. Giovanni reveals this is possible, because the difference in their Pokémon’s levels are too great. Apparently Red hasn’t trained a single Pokémon not named Charizard, and it shows in his absolutely horrendous showing against Giovanni.

UntitledGiovanni reminds Red he only has two Pokémon left, and Red chooses… Hitmonlee, which he apparently got from the Fighting Dojo. Why he didn’t send it in instead of Jolteon is anyone’s guess, though it’s mostly because he’s terrible. Giovanni realizes that this battle however is making him feel exhilarated for some reason. As Hitmonlee uses Rolling Kick and scores a good hit on Rhyhorn’s chin. Rhyhorn then retaliates with Horn Attack. Giovanni feels that he’s felt this “excitement” before as Hitmonlee uses Hi Jump Kick and Rhyhorn hits back with Take Down. As Giovanni and Red simoultaneously call for Horn Drill and Mega Kick at once, as both  Pokémon take each other out. It took him the entirety of 5 Pokémon, but Red has finally taken down Rhyhorn, and they’re both tied. Of course, as it took 5 Pokémon to just barely take down one of Giovanni’s, the odds would certainly appear to be in Giovanni’s favor, would they not?

Giovanni reveals his next Pokémon will be Rhydon, the evolved form of Rhyhorn, and that Charizard does not match up well at all with it. As Giovanni talks down to Red, Red tells the biggest bullshit ever, and says that he wanted his last Pokémon to be Charizard, and says that either he wins with Charizard or it’s meaningless… fortunately, his other Pokémon who he wildly flaffed into battle with no reason are still KO’d and didn’t hear that they’re sacrifice meant fuck all to Red, because he only wants to win with Charizard.

UntitledRed states that he won’t lose to Giovanni, he says his Chaizard is proof of how far he’s come, while his other Pokémon are proof of how much he’s phoned it in. Giovanni goes through an internal mnologue in which he realizes that Red is a lot like he ws when he was a kid with a Charmander. He then wonders… if he could have been this child… well, hopefully a smarter version of him.

They both order a Mega Punch from their respective Pokémon, and they bth land and do a decent amount of damage. Red orders a Mega Kick next against Rhydon’s Fury Attack, Charizard’s attack misses, but Rhydon gets Charizard right in the gut. Charizard goes flying into the wall, and is almost out, and to finish the job, Giovanni demands a Horn Drill. As Rhdon charges at Charizard Red calls for a desparation Seismic Toss, Charizard dodging the Horn Drill picks up Rhydon and slams him into the ground.

Charizard wins!

Giovanni is impressed, and offers Red a Gym Badge. Red angrily (and stupidly) rebuffs it, and says he doesn’t need a Gym Badge from the boss of Team Rocket… though he does of course need one from the 8th Gym Leader, so unless he’s going to pull a 9th gym to challenge out of his ass, or something.

Giovanni then turns to his two grunts and… and… officially disbands Team Rocket. The Grunts are horrified, he tells them to get the word out to everyone of their members that they are now unemployed. Giovanni then turns back to Red and re-offers the badge to him as “The Viridian City Gym Leader”. Giovanni tells him that if he wishes to complete the Pokédex, of which there are only two in the world, so how does he know it exists, he’ll have to face much stronger Pokémon on the way to face the Champion of the Pokémon League.

Giovanni tells him to take the path he did not, and insists he’ll try to find a new path, as Red says he’ll find the way. HE’LL DO IT!!!

UntitledRATING: 2 OUT OF 5

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Pokémon: Origins – File 2: Cubone

Red plot dumps on us of how he continued his journey after defeting Brock. He purchased a Magikarp with his hard earned prize money because he’s an idiot, he battled a Super Nerd who found fossils at Mt. Moon, and fought ” a suspicious group” known as Team Rocket. We don’t get to see Red doing this however. He even recovers a TM from one of the Rocket Grunts, of course he doesn’t say which TM it is, so use your imagination. He beats the Water gym leader Misty, and Charmander evolves. He recieves HM01, again not saying what it does, or why he got it. He gets an old Rod from the Fishing Guru, and a Bike with the Bike Voucher he got from the President of the Pokémon Fan Club, why he gives it to him, who the fuck knows? He also defeated Lt. Surge. Anyway, all that shit out of the way, Red is on his way to the land that launched a million shitty Creepypasta, Lavender Town.

UntitledHopefully the music doesn’t give him a headache and make him kill himself.

Red is getting his Pokémon healed up at the Pokémon Center when he overhears a man talking about hearing rumours of a ghost appearing in Pokémon Tower. “Pokémon Tower”, says Red who can’t process things unless he hears it twice. The guy then says that a lot of people claim to have seen it as well, because of course, people don’t lie. The ghost also assumedly causes seizures and suicide, and is named “syndrome”. Red asks if what he said about the ghost is true, and the man who hasn’t seen it for himself and is just going off of what people have told him says that yes, it is true. Red asks what’s Pokémon Tower, and the man informs Red that Lavender Town is known as the “grave site of Pokémon, which is incorrect as it’s not the town but the Tower that the Pokémon are buried in, but whatever.

The woman who was standing next to the man, informs Red that the Tower is in fact the grave site, and she shows him through the window the large Tower sitting square in the middle of town. Lot’s of people come from great distances to pay their respects making Lavender Town apparently the “Mecca” of the Pokémon (Origins)-universe. Red then asks if the ghost the man was talking about earlier is a Pokémon, and the man seems quite sure, despite not seeing it for himself, he then dismisses it as just a rumour, despite mere moments ago saying that it was true. The woman then asks if Red believes  in ghosts, Red says no… maybe? Then the woman laughs and claims that the white hand resting on his shoulder must not be real either. Red freaks the fuck out and looks at his shoulder to see that it was made up Creepypasta bullshit. He turns to the woman and tells her to stop kidding him… only to see they’ve disappeared before his very eyes.

Spooky!

The non-Nurse Joy nurse calls over Red to inform him that his Pokémon are fighting fit, and that she hopes to see him again… which is exactly what the Viridian City non-Nurse Joy nurse said.

Eerie!

She then asks if he’s by any chance on his way to the Pokémon Tower, since it is apparently Mecca, he says yes, and tells him that he should probably check out the Pokémon House first, for some reason. Since Red’s in the business of doing what people tell him to do, without finding out why they want him to do it, he does just that.

Red goes in and asks if anyone’s there, and a little girl responds and comes out. Fortunately, the nurse wasn’t a member of a gang, and didn’t lead Red into an ambush to get his shit kicked and robbed, and the Pokémon House is instead a place where abandoned or orphaned  Pokémon are sent to be taken care of the little girl explains while looking around the room for some bizarre reason, apparently trying to make sure Red isn’t a member of a rival gang and his crew aren’t hiding in the 4th dimension or something.

The little girl who may or may not be a gang leader shows Red to the back where we see people embracing the abandoned Pokémon, as Red explains he’s never seen so many abandoned ones before. The girl says he should talk to Mr. Fuji the founder of the ga… uhm, the orphanage, he says lot’s of people believe Pokémon to just be tools, or accessories, and likely orphaned them if they were the wrong nature, or had bad IVs. The bastards.

The house used to be Mr. Fuji’s actual house, that he renovated to accommodate the orphaned Pokémon, says the girl, who for whatever reason says “Did you know”, before telling Red this. Red thinks that this Mr. Fuji sounds like a swell guy, and the girl tells him that he is, that’s why people round town have been “volunteering” to help him, and she’s one of them. Her name’s Reina. Red tells her that his name’s Red, and throws in a “Hey there”, apparently in an attempt to swoon the pretty young thing.

“All the Pokémon look very happy”, says Red, until he turns to see a Cubone hiding in a corner of his pin making growling noises. “What’s with this one”, asks Red apparently not grasping the whole abandonment thing. Reina tells Red that this baby Cubone is only freindly toward Mr. Fuji, but isn’t fond of anyone else. Why is that ask Red, and Reina explains that it’s because of Team Rocket. “Team Rocket” says Red, making sure she didn’t say “skippy doodlebop”, or something.

UntitledReina explains that just outside of town Team Rocket were off capturing wild and unclaimed Pokémon, of which Cubone was one of them. A grunt stands over Cubone telling him that he might as well let him catch him, until they’re attacked by a shadow. The shadow was Momma Marowak, which begs the question of why the other Pokémon didn’t bother to fight back, as they greatly outnumber them, and have powers and shit. Well, we may have an answer because as Marowak tells it’s child to flee, one Rocket decides that instead of capturing the powerful Pokémon, he’ll fucking kill it, he takes out an electric rod (but Marowak’s ground-type?) and shocks it to death. Cubone hears it’s mother’s final cry while running off, and stop frozen in depression. Cubone stands by the rock it’s mother was killed at until at least dawn (I guess Team Rocket decided against catching it for some reason), when Mr. Fuji comes up to it.

He get’s down on his knees, as Cubone starts snarling, and comforts the now orphaned child Pokémon. It begins crying in his  arms. Reina explains that since that day, cubone has refused to open up to anyone except Mr. Fuji. Red is rightfully angry at hearing this

Later, Red thanks Reina for showing him around, and says that it makes sense the receptionist (nurse?) told him to go there. It really doesn’t make sense, but Red’s a dummy. Reina keeps talking up Mr. Fuji, and Red tells Reina that he’s working on completeing the Pokédex, without realizing that Professor Oak just invented it, there’s only two, and thus Reina likely has no clue what the fuck he’s talking about. Red says he wants to meet Mr. Fuji, and asks which of the people currently in the room might be him.

“Well, that’s just it…” says a suddenly glum Reina. What is “it”? We get our answer in form of a man rushing through the door, exclaiming to know where Mr. Fuji is. The people rush up to find out where their fearless leader may be, he’s in the Pokémon Tower. “Pokémon Tower”, says the people doing their best impressions of Red. Yes, apparently someone said they saw him head that way, and even go in to the Pokémon Tower.

“Why would he go in there?” asks some man behind Red, which would normally be a dumb question, since people go there all the time to pay respects, but not this time as Team Rocket are holed up in the tower. A woman assumes that he went there to “convince” Team Rocket to leave the Tower. Red asks the man what hapened at the Pokémon Tower as the man asks who the fuck is he? He tells the man that he hopes to learn everything he can from Mr. Fuji.

UntitledThis is apparently good enough for the man, as he begins telling him the story of Pokémon Tower, it’s pretty simple really one day Team Rocket showed up and made the top of the Pokémon Tower their base. Why they made a grave site their base, who the fuck knows. Reina explains that out of the blue, Team Rocket rolled up on their hood in a giant semi-truck, apparently driven by the drunkard of Team Rocket. For some reason, the back of the truck was filled with an entire 6 Rocket Grunts (Well, 5 in the back, and 1 to drive). Why the fuck they rode in the back of the semi should be left to your imagination.

UntitledThe Rockets then disallow anyone from actively visiting the tower themselves… by pushing them down the stairs. Red doesn’t get it (surprise, surprise) why are they so cruel? A Creepypasta writer decides to but in and announce that a ghost appears, as she desparately tries to get people to believe her shitty writings. The other night, she claims she snuck into the tower when Team Rocket weren’t looking and then, a voice told her “GET OUT! LEAVE THIS PLACE!” she then dropped her flowers and ran away. She tries to sell her bad fan fiction by saying it was “unbelievably scary”. A man mentions that if people can’t come and visit Pokémon Tower, then the town is finished. Mostly because the town’s entire economy is tied up in PokéMecca. Reina has an idea, though. They’ll all go to Pokémon Tower to save their leader.

The response she gets is likely not the one she expected as they all respond “fuck that”. One woman claims their really strong as the Creepypasta writer mentions the ghsot again, in case people forgot, because GHOST.

Reina ets pissed and says that their boss went to Pokémon Tower to protect them from the rival gang Team Rocket, are they just going to abandon him? The Woman claims that they’re not abandoning him, they’re just not going to try and make any attempt to rescue him. It’s totally different. The man who found out where Fuji was reason that surely the ruthless gang of thugs Team Rocket will just, let Mr. Fuji go, since they’re such swell guys and all. Reina can’t believe their such pussies, and Red seeing his chance to impress Reina offers to go. The adults are surprised, they were such huge bitches, surely a child can;t be stronger than all of them. Red says he’s pretty confident about his skill in Pokémon battles and shows off his three gym badges. Hopefully the Rockets are afraid of shiny things and will run away at the site of them.

Red decides that he doesn’t care if he’s outnumbered, he’s going to succeed. Blue for some reason is peering through a door in the side of the house and overhears this, and decides that he he get’s rid of Team Rocket then he can be the hero.

Red for whatever reason waits until night time, and starts  getting cold feet at the site of the tower, as the scary music that has been known to cause suicide, because that’s totally  possible begins playing. Red walks through the tower with a flashlight, because for some reason the residents of Lavender Town weren’t smart enough to put actual lighting in the tower, or clean the fucking place, until he sees some woman.

The woman immediately claims she’s not a ghost, for whatever reason, and Red breathes a sigh of relief. The woman claims to have come to see her Nidoran, and Red asks if she’s afraid. She’s not because apparently the ghost only appears farther up, and that it must hold a grudge against Team Rocket. Which is weird, since it doesn’t really seem to be actively harming Team Rocket in anyway.

Blue can’t believe the town’s people believe there’s a ghost in the tower either. He surmises that Team Rocket must have made the story up to fool the people, and keep them from infiltrating their super-secret base. Blue calls himself “The Genius Blue”, and declares that he’ll throw them out.

On the top floor of what is now team Rocket’s super-secret base, they have rival gang leader Mr. Fuji bound as three Rockets sit around polishing their balls, as one excitedly asks if the other two have heard about the Creepypasta of the ghost. The fat one is scared and says he doesn’t like those kinds of stories, while the tall slender one believes it to just be a Ghost-type Pokémon playing pranks. But the first one says that it’s an actual, factual ghost.

Tall Rocket dismisses this and says that’s why they have “this”. Why “this” is a device known as the “Silph Scope”. It’s purpose is to identify unidentifiable Ghost-type Pokémon, so it’s got to work on real ghosts, he assumes.

UntitledMeanwhile, Blue is on his way up to level 6, and wonders if Team Rocket is even in the tower, which is a good question, as they’re apparently not using the Tower for any real special purpose, but sitting around doing nothing. Why would they make this their secret base anyway, it really makes no sense. Anyway, as Blue heads to the next set of stairs, something spooky happens… it’s a ghost. It tells him to “LEAVE THIS PLACE”, Blue never one to ignore orders from a ghost, does just that as he drops his flashlight and runs for the hills. One of the grunts has move on to polishing his rod, as he hears Blue’s scream, as the fat one claims “it’s the g-g-g-ghost”. Tall Rocket just assumes that someone snuck in to the public establishment and goes to check.

Red heads towards a flight of stairs until Blue come barreling down and…

UntitledWoah!

UntitledOh my!

Blue confides in his buddy that there’s a G-g-g-g-g-g-ghost in the tower. The ghost appears, and continues to tell them to “LEAVE THIS PLACE”, Red then asks, so there really are such things as ghost, after seeing a ghost before him. Blue tells red let’s run away, but Red declines saying he can’t run away, probably because he;s too stupid. He then sends in Charmeleon, Charmeleon growls at the ghost, which surprisingly doesn’t scare it off.  Blue uses Charmeleon’s distraction to sneak around the ghost, and continues back up the stairs.

Tall Rocket shines a light on Blue and asks what he’s doing. Well, Tall Rocket is human, so Blue can totally take him on and sends in Wartortle. Back at the Pokémon House Cubone begins ramming the door to his pen, as Reina comes in to let him out, to find out what his problem is, as he bolts for the exit. Red tells Charmeleon to use Scratch, and as you’d expect he goes right through the ghost, not leaving a scratch. Red can’t believe it, Pokémon Battling a ghost isn’t making his problems go away, and that’s all he’s good for.

UntitledUntitledJust then Blue throws Red the Silph Scope, Red has no clue what it is, so instead of telling him, Blue tells him he’ll know when he puts it on. Red then does just this and discovers that the ghost is a Marowak, he jumps to a rather big conclusion and assumes it’s Cubone’s mother as if there’s only one Cubone and/or Marowak in the world, but as the Marowak ghost informs them to not get close to “them”, it hears Cubone. Cubone runs up to the ghost of it;s mother and gives her a big ol’ hug. D’awww. Red declares there’s no need to keep on fighting it, which is good for Red as he was getting his ass kicked, and he recalls Charmeleon. As the two embrace Marowak hovers and finally rests in peace.  As the Rockets try to regather themselves, they wonder where the Silph Scope could possibly be? Red angrily throws the Silph Scope at the Rockets, which is bizarre since it’s not their’s to begin with, and announces himself as the guy who came to kick them out of this place.

UntitledHe holds a Pokéball upside down, and tells Jolteon he’s counting on him… that’s right, apparently this incarnation of Red uses a Non-Pikachu Electric-type Pokémon, and the ugliest of the Eeveelution family. Meanwhile, Fat Rocket Grunt sends in Koffing. Koffing knocks Jolteon off balance with a Tackle. Red orders a Quick Attack, and Rocket orders a Smog. The ugly bastard, Jolteon manages to dodge the Smog, until Cubone tosses it’s bone, and clears the smoke out of the room. Fat Rocket asks “what’s that”, as if he didn’t try to capture it a couple days… weeks… months(?) ago. Red uses his ugly monstrosity of a Pokémon to use Thunderbolt, and he knocks out Fat Rocket’s Koffing.

Fat Rocket recalls Koffing as the other two apparently left their Pokémon at home today, and declare that they’ve been defeated by a little kid. Fat Rocket threatens to remember Red for this, and I’m sure Red shit his pants after hearing this, as the three Rockets leave their really shitty secret base. Reina holds up Cubone and declares “we” did it, which is weird, as she didn’t do shit, but once you in the gang you share your accolades with the rest of your crew.

They then head upstairs and Reina is excited to have spotted their leader Mr. Fuji, Red begins untying Fuji, as Fuji rightfully asks who he is, Renia sets him straight, that Red is the one who defeated Team Rocket in Pokémon battle. Mr. Fuji declares that Marowak’s restless spirit must have finally been put to rest, and he has Red to thank for that. Later people return to PokéMecca to pay their respects for their dead Pokémon, as Reina plays with Cubone’s who’s voice actor didn’t get the message that “POKéMON DON’T SAY THEIR NAMES IN THIS VERSION, THAT THE OTHER ONE YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT”, as Cubone can audibly be heard saying “Cu”.

UntitledMr. Fuji declares that everything in town is back to normal, he runs this hood again, and it’s all thanks to Red. Fuji then remembers that he was told that Red was working on a project, the “Pokedex”. Red announces that yes, he’s helping Professor Oak. Fuji’s voice gets lower as he repeats Oak’s name, and lowers his head. He then tells Red that his quest will fail without love for Pokémon, and give him some things that may help on his journey. One of these things is the PokéFlute, it wakes up any sleeping Pokémon that hears Untitledit, why he thinks Red will need this is again, anyone’s guess. And another item in a box, when Red opens the box they’re gems. They have no monetary values, which is likely why Fuji is pawning them off on Red since gangs tend to like money. When Red asks what are they, Fuji tells him he’ll find out soon enough… in about 5 more Generations. and cackles as he walks off. Red then prepares to leave and hops on his bike, that he apparently kept in his backpack, and gets ready to say good-bye to his new blood brothers. Fuji tells Red that if he’s ever in trouble and come back and see him, blood in, blood out. Reina also tells him to come back again someday, maybe when they’re older and they learn about this “sex” thing all the adults keeps talking about.

As Red rides down a forest, he hears Blue call for him. He’s sitting in a tree for some reason, and in that tree he tells Red that he (red) owe him (Blue) one. “Huh, what are you talking about?” Asks a confused Red, Blue says that without him, he wouldn’t have gotten the Silph scope, then Red fires back that Blue was shitting his pants in terror in the tower. Blue refuses this, and claims that Red’s ears were playing tricks on him, and tries desperately to convince Red that he didn’t say that as he rides off into the sunset and into our next hurriedly animated adventure.

RATING: 3 OUT OF 5

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Pokémon: Origins – File 1: Red

UntitledOur story starts in a huge room, where Professor Oak gives a lecture of the very interesting creatures that inhabit our world, they are called Pokémon, and he incidentally is known as the Pokémon Professor. He explains that for some people these  Pokémon are pets, but other use them to fight, while contributing nothing to society. He then tosses a Pokéball and out pops an Eevee. He asks are you interested in learning about this Pokémon world. He then proclaims “Let’s get started” and familiar music plays as we’re thrown into a battle between a Gengar and a Nidorino. An annoying announcer straight out of Pokémon Stadium announces that Gengar used Double-Edge after throwing off the Nidorino, who responds with Poison Sting. Then we’re thrown into the room of a familiar facsimile of a certain 10-year old, as the battle continues on his television set.

“Red, are you there” asks a woman who is obviously his mother. “Huh?” replies Red in style familiar to same-said familiar facsimile. Red’s Mother, who’s name is apparently “Red’s Mother” says that she “ran into” Professor Oak, who was apparently bumming about the streets, and he told her to tell Red that he finished “that thing”, he told him about.

UntitledRed then busts out of his room screaming “ALRIGHT”, as he gets too close to the edge of the stairs, and tries desperately to keep his balance while holding a weird pose… and then, BLAM! he falls down the stairs and slams onto his face. He then with the attention span of a 10-year old child completely moves past his possible concussion and put his hat on… backwards. I suddenly hate this kid. And rushes out the door, and doesn’t even offer to help his mother with the groceries she’s currently carrying. He then runs down the streets thinking to himself that finally “it’s” done.

UntitledHe finally makes it to Oak’s lab and runs into another familiar, but different face. He calls Oak “Gramps”, and tells him that he’s going to be first. He then runs into the the lab, with Red quickly in tow. They then barrel into the lab pushing and showing each other, until Oak asks what’s the ruckus, and they both run up to him asking about “It” being done. and “it is. “It”, is a device known as the Pokédex that automatically records data on Pokémon. It’s a high tech encyclopedia, and Red for some reason excitedly proclaims “SCIENCE IS SO AMAZING!” Oak intends to give them both one Pokédex, he then explains that making a complete guide of all the 150 Pokémon has always been his dream, though, how the Pokédex is supposed to automatically record data that Oak assumedly doesn’t have is unknown.

Oak can’t do it because he’s too old, so he fobs his life’s work on two 10-year old children instead because, what the fuck else are they doing, right? Gar… um, Gre… um, Blue asks if Oak remembers his promise, and Oak says that he does. He shows a table with three Pokéballs, and he’ll give them each the opportunity to choose one. The Fire Pokémon, Charmander, the Water Pokémon, Squirtle, and the Plant Pokémon, Bulbasaur. They can choose the one they like. Blue says that he doesn’t need to be greedy like Red for some reason, and allows him to choose first. Red instantly chooses Charmander. His explanation is that because his “father” gave him the name Red, because he hoped he’d grow with the firey-red hot passion of something or other he feels his Pokémon should be a Fire-type. He releases Charmander from his ball and he “graawwlls” happily at his new trainer.

Oak asks if Blue will pick Squirtle, because it’s blue, his name is Blue. It makes perfect sense. Blue resends this idea that he doesn’t have to choose his Pokémon for such a dumbass reason, and picks Squirtle anyway, and assumedly Bulbasaur will be going into the trash after the boys leave.  Oak gives the boys permission to give their Pokémon nicknames. Red thinks for a second then decides against it, he’s apparently the type who would name his Dog “Dog”, it seems. Blue asks if they should “test them out”, as if they weren’t living things sitting in their arms hearing themselves be referred to as things to be tested out. Red stares dumbly at Blue, who then immediately reascends his offer to fight, then calls him the equivalent of “just a kid”, by calling him a beginner, as if he didn’t just get his first Pokémon like 10 seconds after Red.

Blue claims that his ambitions are far greater than Red’s, and says that now that he has Squirtle, he’ll become the best Pokémon trainer in the world, he then rushes off and tells “gramps” that he has his request covered. Oak then reveals that when he was young, he was a serious Pokémon trainer himself, and Charmander let’s off a “MAAWWL!”and Red’s off. Red walks down a forest path as a Pidgey comes out of a bush, minding it’s own business. He tells Charmander to “go for it”, as the startled Pidgey, flies and begins using Gust. Red tells Charmander to use Ember, as Pidgey uses, “Fuck this shit, I’m out of here”, and flies away, Red tries futiley to throw a Pokéball at the crafty Bird Pokémon.

UntitledRed opens his Pokédex to a picture of a Pidgey, but blank space where text would apparently go. “Huh?” asks Red in familiar form again, as he realizes that the Pokédex only records data if he catches the Pokémon. Later, Red is seen chasing down a Rattata, he has Charmander use growl, then tells it to use scratch. Rattata ain’t having that shit though, and jumps to avoid it, only to be caught in a Pokéball, and apparently doesn’t try to escape. Red his his Pokédex out to discover that yes, it has writing in the blank spaces, apparently explaining what the purple rat pokémon is. “THAT’S SO COOL” says the easily impressed little boy, and then a montage show him catching a Spearow, a Caterpie, and (assumedly) a totally different Pidgey.

UntitledSome little punk gestures and asks if he wants to try to battle against his Pokémon, and sends his little Nidoran♀ out to fight. Red is shocked to see a Pokémon he’s never seen before as apparently he thought there were only 4 kinds of Pokémon. Red then sends in Charmander who slams wildly into Nidoran♀. Red then chucks an empty Pokéball at the boy’s Pokémon and an invisible force field activates around the Nidoran♀, then Youngster then recalls his ailing Pokémon, calls Red a fucking thief, Red apparently didn’t think the kid would mind him leaving off with his Pokémon. He then asks where he can get his own Nidoran. The Youngster begrudgingly points him in the direction of the Nidoran horde.

Red walks past a sign welcoming him to Viridian City, and Blue comes by and says that he’s surprised to see him here so soon, he then calls him slow, and says he thought it would have taken him much longer to figure out how to walk a straight line. Blue asks if his Pokémon has gotten any stronger. Red angrily informs Blue that he just wants to complete the Pokédex. Blue rightly informs him that to do so he will infact have to face off against stronger Pokémon.

UntitledBlue then get’s in Red’s face, and speaks softly about how he must not be very confident.

Red takes offense to this, and decides to accept his terms. The two then magically slide 20 feet apart from each other and send out their Pokémon. As another familiar face spies on the two children from behind a tree, like some sort of stalker.

UntitledRed has Charmander use Growl, as Blue tells Squirtle to use Tackle. Red freaks out and orders an Ember as Charmander looks up at him thinking, “Well, what now?” Charmander swings his tail, as that’s apparently where Ember comes from. But his attack misses. Red yells at Charmander to calm the fuck down as Squirtle Tackles him to the ground. Charmander lays on his back as Red orders a Scratch attack. Charmander runs in, misses his scratch (at Squirtle’s head) and slams his paw into Squirtle’s shell. Red orders another tackle, that misses as Blue orders a tackle that slams into his stomach and knocks him back onto his ass.

Red groans and asks his to us Ember again, and “hurry up”, and Blue orders a Bubble. As you’d expect Bubble overpowers Ember, as Red yells at Charmander demanding to know why he’s so slow. Blue scoffs and orders another Bubble as Charmander desperately tries to dodge. “don’t just run away” orders Red as he tells him to use another Ember. However before he can, Bubble washes over him and Charmander is covered in white liquid.  Squirtle then lands on top of Charmander then bite him in the neck as the roll around in the grass. Red is appalled at this erotic display, and recalls Charmander, before he can become a man.

Blue then recalls his Squirtle and and dresses down Red… not in that way fangirls, and tells him that his style is so predictable. Red begins crying before Blue tells him to just go back to Pallet Town. He’ll never make it on his own.

Red later by a river wonders why they aren’t at the same level, I mean, they left at the same time, he then begins bashing Charmander’s Pokéball against hsi head, which can’t feel good for Charmander as a familiar voice tells him that no, the guy who used Squirtle is more experienced. Red asks who he is and why it’s none other than traveling voice actor Johnny Yong Bosch, who, for brevity’s sake we’ll call by his nickname, Brock.

Brock asks Red if he knows anything about Types and characteristics of Pokémon, then tells him he and Charmander aren’t in sync. “Not in sink?” asks Red, before telling him it;s a lie. Brock then waxes on about how Blue’s Squirtle reacted by trusting Blue’s instructions and dodged based on it;s own judgement. Because Blue and Squirtle were connected, Squirtle realized that dodging attacks are better than standing still.

Red thinks he’s got it, and heads off. Where to asks Brocko, and he responds by telling him that he intends to fight EVERYONE WITH POKéMON. Brock doesn’t stop him, but suggests he head off to the Pokémon Center, it’s the only building in the world with a Red roof apparently, Brock also suggests Red face-off against Gym Leader’s too, because Red apparently didn’t get his ass kicked hard enough for his liking, though he suggests he can learn alot from them, and tells Red to think about what battling is really all about.

In the Pokémon Center, again the only building in the world with a red roof, Red talks to Professor Oak as Oak tells Red that after her catching 6 Pokémon, the rest will automatically be sent to the PC. He doesn’t exactly explain why, but Red says that he understands. Oak then takes note that Red is depressed and asks in a bland and totally uninterested voice what’s wrong, but Red lies and says that everything is fine. Suddenly a voice calls for him, it’s a non-Nurse Joy nurse informing him that his Pokémon are “fighting fit”, and they hope to see him get his shit kicked again.

In no time flat Red is apparently in Pewter City, and eavesdrops on two girls talking about the Pewter City Gym Leader Brock who demolished some unfortunate trainer. All Red apparently heard was “gym” and this new challenger has apparently come back everyday, because Brock is “super famous”. In even more no time flat, Red is being stonewalled at the entrance to the Pewter City gym, by some bitch who insists that he’s a “Million light-years away” from facing Brock, apparently to stupid to know that light-years isn’t time, it measures distance.

UntitledThe guy asks how long he’s been with his Pokémon, and he replies “5 days”. The stupid bitch who doesn’t know what a light-year tells him he makes her laugh as she haughtily waves her hand in his face. Then, Brock tells them that he invited him personally. Red is surprised that that famous voice actor who was creepily watching him from the bushes earlier was also a super famous gym leader (me thinks those girls from earlier exaggerated their “super-famous” claim, just a bit). “You mean you’re Brock?” asks Red, who’s living up to Blue’s claim of being a little slow, and the two yell at him not to speak “like that” to a gym leader (Like what?) . The two officially introduce themselves to each other, Brock asks if he has an answer to the question he asked earlier. Red says that he doesn’t, but because he doesn’t, that why he’s come here. Brock is pleased with his answer, and asks if he has any badges. “Badges?” asks Red, because Brock apparently wasn’t clear. But nope, he does not, and Brock decides to fight with these two Pokémon. “With two” asks Red, doing his best impression of a Chatot, which doesn’t exist yet.

BroCk throws his first Poké and out pops a Geodude with a “MEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHH!” as Brock explains his specialty is Rock-type Pokémon. Red then sends out Charmander, the fight starts as some sort of HP monitor appears on screen for some dumb reason. Red immediately orders an Ember, and Geodude takes that shit like it’s nothing, he then asks for Scratch and remembers he was counter-attacked at “this” point, so he decides to see what Brocks’ going to do. Brock asks what’s wrong, Charmander looks worried, and orders Geodude to use Tackle. Red orders another Scratch that Geodude could give zero fucks about. “It’s not very effective” says Princess Stupid, Queen of the obvious.

Red again asks for Scratch, and Geodude doesn’t care. Brock says that he doesn’t seemed to have learned shit, and says he’s “pretty sure” he asked about Pokémon types and characteristics. He explains that Pokémon types match-up in totally different ways. “Match up?” asks Red, who is incapable of taking in so many words at once.

Brock straight up tells Red that Fire-type Pokémon are weak to Rock-type Pokémon. “I DON’T GET IT, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY” says Red who’s still trying to grasp that he’s in a gym and that guy he meet earlier was Brock, and what the fuck that tiny dragon lizard thing has fire on it’s tail.

Brock asks that he does have other Pokémon with him, right? “Huh?” asks Red mesmerized at the idea that that talking man-person from earlier was Brock the gym leader and what the fuck are other Pokémon?

He tells him that it’s too difficult to fight at such a disadvantage “I get it”, says Red clearly lying so Brock stops messing with his mind, and he sends in Nidoran, a male one and has it use Double Kick. Geodude doesn’t like this as much and squeals that it’s “Super effective”. Yeah! He beat a Rock-type Pokémon. Brock recalls his Geodude, and sends in Onix. “Another Rock-type?” asks Red who clearly missed that earlier thing when Brock said he specializes in Rock-type Pokémon,Brock repeats this, but surely Red missed it again.

Red then has Nidoran♂ use Double Kick again, as Brock calls for Bide. Brock explains that Bide means that Onix can’t attack until he gets hit 2 times (what if he gets Double Slapped?). Red is confused, which seems to be his default, because he could be defeated in two turns (anyone who’s ever played the games didn’t need two turns to beat Onix), but Brock scoffs at the idea, because he believes in Onix (PFFFTHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!), anyway, Nidoran♂ get’s it’s second hit in and hangs on. Johnny Yong Bosch really turns up the voice acting and yells “DOUBLE THE DAMAGE”, as the phalic Rock Snake uses it’s tail to slam Nidoran♂ into the video board forcing Red to recall it. Brock finishes explaining that Bide allows it to return DOUBLE THE DAMAGE, you know… if it survives. Red grumps, then sends in… Spearow. It flies at Onix who slaps it away with it’s tail. Red recalls Spearow and sends in Rattata who climbs up Onix’s body until getting slapped away, and recalled by Red.

Red becomes the first and last person in the world to insist that Onix is “too fast”, and has Metapod use String Shot to cover Onix in sticky white liquid. Brock gestures wildly and claims that “it” won;t work and Onix breaks out of the String… you know, just like in the game. Red orders another String Shot, but Brock remembers he’s supposed to be ordering Onix to attack and tell him to use tackle, and knocks the shit out of Metapod, forcing Red to recall him.

UntitledRed realizes he only has one Pokémon left, and presses Charmander back into the fight. Apparently watching Onix kick the shit out of Red’s Pokémon worked up quite the sweat for the two trainers who instead just watched on the sidelines and did nothing. Red even thinks this makes no sense, and says he gets’ it. His Pokémon and he are his partners and he feels like he’s taking damage like them. I’m pretty sure his Pokémon who spent the last several minutes getting smacked around by a giant rock snake might have something different to say about that, but oh well.

Brock notes that they’re both almost out of HP, in their convoluted HP system, and the first one to attack should win. Charmander barks at Onix, because why not? Red orders Scratch as Brock orders Tackle. The boy claims that their speed is identical, meaning Red got his hands on the slowest Charmander in the world. And Onix while in mid-air begins hurtling towards the bitch from earlier, who watches as her swift death approaches… until Brock recalls Onix.

Oix’s HP runs out, and the girl wonders why, and a string falls into her hands. It’s Metapod’s. Brock thought Onix tore off all the string, but that one strand made Onix a split-second to slow…

WHAT! THE! FUCK!

ONE! FUCKING! STRING!

ONIX WAS TOO SLOW BECAUSE OF ONE FUCKING STRING!

FUCKING REALLY?

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THAT HAS TO BE THE STUPIDEST GODDAMN FUCKING THING I EVER HEARD!

Untitled*ahem* Brock anyway congratulates Red on his stupid fucking victory and awards him the Boulder Badge. He also gives him a floppy disk, because this took place in 1985. It’s TM35 and contains the move “Bide”, since Pokémon are apparently the equivalent to Commodore 64’s and come with floppy disk drives. He can use it to teach the move to any of his Pokémon, or like most people toss it the second he runs out of room for items. The girl asks why he accepted his challenge so soon, and Brock’s answer is that he found him intriguing. When he asled him that question he said he was still looking for the answer, though this may be because he was trying to figure out the best strategy to catch the giant talking Pokémon instead. And when Professor Oak is asked why he choose Red for such an important mission, he insists that it’s because he’s an honest (and stupid) person, but he just hopes that Blue can grow. Unlike Red he is too good, so that makes him arrogant.

Red then thinks to himslef, that he will get stronger. Much stronger… AND HE WILL COMPLETE THE POKEDEX.

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Wanna be the Strongest in the World Episode 1 – An Idol-Wrestler is Born!

Our episode starts with a woman loudly screaming (about as good a start as any) then quickly pans to a shot of her crotch (uhh) She continues screaming until some other bitch tells her she likes the way she screams. She continues until we learn that she’s currently in a Single Leg Boston Crab, unable to do anything. She then releases her, and presses her body over her knees, in a move that’s name I can’t remember. The woman applying the submission holds asks of she;s ready to tap, she then narrates that this is the day everything started.

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UntitledAfter the OP, we’re taken to an idol competition, where two young hopefuls are competing to see who will be the object of otaku lust, and who will be dropped like yesterday’s news into otaku obscurity. Sounds like a Lose/Win situation. Hagiwara Sakura is apparently kicking the shit out of girl noone knows or cares about. They both talk shit to each other, then do their “finishing move. The votes are in, it’s down to the wire and… Sakura wins. What a surprise. Meanwhile the other gir was SOOOO close at only 120 votes behind.  Welp, see you in hell loser, I say. She puts on a brave face and says that she won’t lose next time, though Sakura has won 4 times, so I’m pretty sure she’;s not worried. They shake hands and have hit the showers, and the other losers start asking Sakura what’s the secret to her Nice Body. They then start playing with her tits, as another girl says it’s the product of eATING YOUR VGETABLES, TAKING YOUR VITAMINS, AND SAYING YOUR PRAYERS, BROTHER. …ahem, she then metions Elena, the loser from before and calls her her rival, and the two weird losers than attach to her and begin groping her tits, too. Only unlike Sakura, she doesn’t seem to quite enjoy it.

In the break room, some importantly dressed woman goes over how the vote was a huge success. She the flops down a stack of books, and the girls complain that she’s a slave driver, because those are all jobs, and they’re idols goddamit, they didn’t get into this job to work. She takes this derision well, and assigns the complainers to Women’s Pro Wrestling. Yeas, it’s a trial for some TV show, or some shit. Her reasoning is solid, it may be dangerous, but it’s pretty popular these days. She relents that they don’t have to do it, and asks if their are any volunteers. Sakura happily volunteers, then Elena angrily volunteers.

Her reasoning is also solid, she doesn’t want Sakura to get ahead of her anymore. Anything Sakura can do she can do better, she can do anything better than her. Sakura is a little worried that they won’t go easy on them just because they’re beginners, Elena then angrily informs her that according to the contract, Berserk (the wrestling company, they’ll be wrestling for) they draw a sharp line between entertainnment and the real fights (wait, real?) fight that are their main draw. The wrestliers are legit athletes (as are most wrestlers) and she doesn’t assume they’ll be nice just for a TV show.

They enter the gym and Sakura says that she can FEEL THE POWER! She then walsk over to a punching bag, pushes it, and it pushers back, knocking her all the way back to Elena’s arms. Elena wats to know why the clearly unprepared Sakura would sign up for this, she then explains that she did it because everyone else was scared,and this could somehow mean something for their talent agency. She apparently puts herself into possibly dangerously stupid situations because she like being with the others, or some such shit.

UntitledElena takes this in quickly, then show her a pose on the top rope. It’s cushinoed so she invites Sakura up, only for some angry women to scream at her, and knock her down.  The angry woman is Kazama Rio. And she’s angry. She calls them clowns, and says that they can’t just “play around” in the ring. Sakura takes it upon herself to apologize… this is Japan after all. Rio angrily tosses Elena aside, for her to ask a stupid question about if the beefy woman, in the wrestling get-up is a wrestler.  Sakura surmises that the ring is a sacred stage for these women.

Later, they go live, a male voice telling them to break a leg (I guess saying “Do your best” is bad luck for stage perfomers, in Japan, too) The girls get stretched out by trainers in the ring, and Elena gives some bullshit about being made to train hard as idols, too. Elena says rather loudly that Pro Wrestling wi way easier than she thought it’d be, and apparently Rio heard, and doesn’t take too kindly to this. Rio says some bullshit about daffodils sprouting out of her ears, which I’m sure sounded better when she thought of it in her head. She then recovers and remarks that she thinks she thinks she can take Pro Wrestling, without taking a move first. Sakura jumps in to her defense, of course we can’t take moves from pros, we’re amateurs, which I’m sure sounded better in her head. Elena takes offense and stupidly proclaims that she will take one of her moves, right now goddammit!

UntitledRio puts Elena in a Camel clutch. Rio then laiughs that she thought Pro Wrestling was easy, huh? What happened to it being easy? She then puts her back into the Boston Crab, and snarks why doesn’t she try putting her in a move? Rio finally releases, s Sakura tells Elena to give it up already. Elena then decides that she doesn’t want to lose to Sakura, so she turns, and tries to Dropkick, Rio, only to be dropped herself. She then tells the “idol bimbos” not to make light of Pro Wrestling. This light’s a fire under Sakura, though.

Before anything comes of it, two chicks we don’t care about gossip outside the gym about the Sweet Diva girls being involved in Pro Wrestling. They hear thumping inside, and go in to find Sakura attempting a dropkick on Rio, only for her to block it… um, who blocks a dropkick? Ever? Anyway, the to trashtalk each other, and as Rio walks away Sakura calls her a Coward. She’s taking revenge for Elena. Rio then says let’s do this for real (for real?) ad challenges her t the next pay-per-view. Sakura quickly promises to kick the shit our of Rio, then realizes she doesn’t have a clue what she agreed to. Oh Sakura.

Apparently according to some nerds, she just got challenged to a Hardcore match, and t’s too hardcore for a idol. Either way, tickes have apparently sold out to the PPV, some guys tell “Mr. President” that they’re out to smash previous attendance records.

Elena apologizes for this getting so out of proportion, and Makoto (the woman who assigned them the jobs) says they planned for this all along as Sakura practices taking bumps. elena takes the full blame, but Sakura tells her not to worry bout it. Sakura couldn’t forgive Rio for looking down on idols, so she had to challenge her, (a seasoned veteran) to a fight that she will be squashed. When this is over, she wants them to go back to “doing their best” as members of Sweet Diva.

UntitledIt’s finally time for the big fight.  as Sakura has a small contingent of creepy otaku cheering for her. Sakura enters the ring, and surprisngly, Rio gets the jobber entrance. Sakura thinks to herself that she kows this is crazy as shit, but her “pride” as an idol wouldn’t let her back down, it also lets her have commisioned body pillows of her sold to creepy otaku, but that’s another story. The in-arena announcers says they’re about to ring the bell o the “fight of the century”, turning the hyperbole up just a little bit.

UntitledThe bell rings, and Sakura irish whips across the ring, and gets Rio into a supplex. As Rio tries to recover, she then runs at her again, and dropkicks her in the face, knocking her into the turnbuckle. The she begins stomping her, believing that she just might be able to do this, then Rio asks if this is all she’s got. Sakura is taken bac, then Rio knees her in the stomach, she then grabs her by the hair, and headbutts her, then puts her in a fireman’s carry and power-bombs her. She then goes for her patented single-leg Boston Crab. We’re then shown the scene from the cold opening. Rio then again goes for the camel clutch, again, this all happened in the opening. She then goes for some move she likely made up on her own, and says it’s perfect for a talentless idol, because she has her legs spread eagle showing the thousands in attendance and the millions watching at home. It’s apparently called the Shame Hold, but it looks completely stupid, and highly illogical.

She then releases the move, as people all take pictures of her “like this” and then steps on her back and tell her to “Give Up” in English. She refuses, though. Rio decides it’s time to break Sakura’s convictions… by putting her in another rest hold… yay!

It’s a good old fashioned Sleeper Hold, and apparently it’s her special? Wow, what a shitty wrestler, if a sleeper hold is her special. Sakura repeats that she doesn’t want to lose, and tries to reach for the rope, but apparently passes out. She awakens to see Elena beaming over her, and realizes that Rio is the winner.

UntitledRio declares that it’s time for Sakura to keep her promise, ehat promise? Turns out she challenges Sakura to a Hair vs. Hair match, without her knowledge, but she gives it the incredibly stupid name of a Haircut Death Match. Elena tells Rio to not be stupid, her hair is her everything. However, Sakura has a little ore honour, and decides to take the punishment she didn’t realize she agreed to. She then sits in the chair that came out of nowhere and takes the haircut. She cries that she couldn’t do anything, and decides that this is the end of Pro Wrestling for her. Instead of cutting it bald, she goes for a nice short little ‘do, ans the other bimbos try to cheer her up, by telling her this nonsense is over now.

Rio continues to trash talk the fuck out of the idols, though. and how couldn’t she? Sakura declares that she doesn’t care bout herself, but don’t you dare talk shit about the otaku pandering idol group that she’s a part of goddammit! She wants a rematch! Rio askes didn’t she just learn what true power is? True power is rest holds, without any actual wrestling. Sakura decides that she’ll just have to go pro to make Rio respect her for their rematch.

The shot heard round the world, as Sweet Diva idol declares she’s going full pro wrestler.

RATING: 2 OUT OF 5

Nowhere near as bad as everyone seems to be making it out to be, Rio is a pretty shitty wrestler though, even if their treating wrestling as real over entertainment, no one, and I mean no one likes to see a wrestler do a hundred rest holds over and over again.  The main complaint about the show so far is the bad crotch shot fan service, and the moaning, but these moves are supposed to hurt, therefore, yes, there will be moaning. The crotch shots could go, but that could be said of many, many anime these days. all in all, not a terrible show, though the animation is also bad, if not outright choppy at points. Like when Rio went to apply her Boston Crab on Sakura. Welp, let’s see where this goes.

Posted in Fall 2013, Wanna be the Strongest in the World | Tagged | Leave a comment